Bright Yellow World

Last night I had dinner with Mammajamma, my local mentor and Queen Of The Awesome. We were chatting, as per usual, about my job situation. I told her that I’m feeling so overwhelmed, so stretched beyond my max, that I’ve been messing up and forgetting things. With irritation in my voice, I nearly shouted, “I don’t mess up!”

“But you do mess up,” she said calmly. “And it’s OK. And it’s how you learn. Messing up is good. Messing up teaches people who are naturally good at stuff how to be humble.”

Well, that put a sock in my rant, didn’t it?

I ran across this entry today over at the Superhero Journal. It’s a lovely entry and a lovely picture, but it got me to thinking: what is my polar opposite? How can I learn from that opposite? You see, there are a lot of things about me that I like, but there are a lot that I don’t like at all. I don’t like my habit of taking everything personally. I don’t like my inability to let a grudge go. I don’t like my laziness, or my sense of entitlement that good things should just happen. I don’t like my stubbornness. But most of the things in the world that I don’t like are things that I’m not.

I’m not mean-spirited. I’m not selfish. I’m not pessimistic, rude, or quick to anger. I’m not aggressive or crass. And while I’m happy to be not these things, there are ways in which I think I could learn from them. I could stand to be a little more selfish sometimes; it might help me get what I want. While I’d never hope to be rude or mean, it would be good to know how to respond when others are. I could split the difference between passive and aggressive and just learn to be assertive and direct. And I could stand to let my hair down sometimes and loosen up. I don’t know if recognizing this is enough to make a difference, but it has been a bit revelatory.

In the end, I suppose it’s like positive and negative space: who you are and who you aren’t are of equal importance.

Haircut picture. Duh.

Alas, I really do have those circles under my eyes right now. Thus, the “fun” post below.

Dear Blogdom,

I wish I could give you some deep, meaningful reason for my funk at the moment. The truth, however, is simply this: I am boring.

My life has, of late, become more routine than I can ever remember. I work. I go home and eat, and then I sleep the sleep of the dead. I wake up, and go back to work. On Saturday nights, the Horse Whisperer and I make dinner, drink a little too much wine, and go to sleep.

I have been a black hole of fun. I don’t seem to know how to have it anymore.

Shockingly, nothing has made me realize this until the haircut. Doing something outside of the routine kind of kicked me in the butt, making me sit up straight and realize that HEY! I’m asleep at the wheel! I’m so busy doing the things that I don’t like that I’m missing the things I love. I’m letting the precious days slip through my fingers. I’m becoming someone who isn’t present in my own life.

Something’s gotta give.

So, while I’m still trying to be productive, I’m going to give the endless to-do lists a little break. Actually, that isn’t true. I’m going to give myself a break from trying to be a better version of myself every effing minute. Instead, I’m going to try and have some fun. I’m going to do a few things for my soul. I’m going to paint my toenails, put on makeup. I’m going to make a cute apron and finally build my cooking blog. I’m going to take walks, take pictures, sew curtains for my bedroom. I’m going to read a few kitschy, girly novels. And for a few minutes, I’m going to just say “screw it” to all of this other crap.

I remember who I was a year ago, I remember being someone who believed that her life could change any instant. I’ve felt so hopeless, so lost for the past few months, and I’m just tired of it. So a few things have fallen through the cracks, so what? Life goes on, and there’s a lot of time left to get it “right.”

Blogdom, help me out here. Give me a list of the first five things that pop into your head that are just FUN. I’m ready to get back in the game!

Smooches,

Abbersnail

I got a rejection letter and a haircut today. The haircut almost makes up for the rejection letter, which has left me feeling a little bit crushed. Fear not, Blogdom, I will persevere

Anyone want to hire me? I’m smart, and nice, and I hate being an overworked secretary with a glorified title.

In other news, my haircut rocks. Thanks to flurrious for a wonderful stylist recommendation. And I miss writing. I’m going to try and get my act together in the next few weeks, and hopefully I’ll be back in full swing soon.

Hi. I’m not Abbersnail. I’m Anonymous. Nice to meet you. As part
of the Great Blog Share put on by -R- from And You Know What Else,
Abbersnail is writing elsewhere on the Internet, and I get to blog-sit
while she’s out. Anonymously. That’s right, we Blog Sharers live on
the edge. Moving on…

My ex-boyfriend, one of the few that I still think of without any
4-letter words involved, is getting married on Saturday. To someone
who is my polar opposite in almost every possible way. She’s from New
Zealand and has a sexy accent, she has a PhD in a mathy/sciencey
something-or-other, which compliments his own status as a Doctor.
(Yes, I broke up with a handsome Doctor. No judgement, please.)
She’s tiny and petite and has gorgeous dark curly hair. Miss PhD and
I are absolute opposites. When I first heard about his engagement I
felt like I was going to throw up. See, just over a year ago this
Doctor was talking about marrying me, planning international vacations
with me, starting a family with me, monogrammed His and Hers towels
with me, Dr. and Mrs. Me. This is a man who loved me, encouraged me,
adored me. He gently picked through my relationship shrapnel and
taught me how to love again, without reservation and without question.
At one time I couldn’t imagine not having the Doctor in my life.
Until I could. And he could. And we broke up.

Fast forward to now; I can’t talk about this on my own blog and I feel
like I need to talk about it. (Thank you BlogShare!) See, I am in a
committed, serious relationship and the Boyfriend reads my blog. His
only flaw–other than hating tomatoes–is that he cannot understand
keeping any kind of contact with an ex. Perhaps my flaw is that I
cannot truly understand purposely avoiding or never again speaking to
someone who was once such a large part of my life. Within reason, of
course. The lying, dirt-baggy, abusive, psychotic, crazy ones can rot
in hell for all I care; but for those ex-boyfriends who are genuinely
good men but didn’t exactly fit, what is the protocol? Is it ok to
stay in touch? Is it ok to send completely platonic and very
occasional “what are you up to? this is how I’m doing” type emails?
Can we be Facebook friends? (Real friends, not stalker-friends.) Is
it ok to have the social contact equivalent of a yearly Christmas
card? Something that conveys a “you are part of my life, how are you?
I truly hope all is well.” Is it a completely personal decision,
changing with every individual and every relationship? Is it
something between you, your current partner and your ex-whomevers?
And how do I start the conversation to answer these questions with the
Boyfriend?

…I’m not being completely open here. Yesterday I called the Doctor
to let him know that I had a wedding gift for him, and I wondered what
was the most appropriate way to get it to him. He volunteered to drop
by and pick it up, and an hour later I was chatting on my front porch
with my soon-to-be-married ex-boyfriend. We talked about he and Miss
PhD (honestly? she sounds just lovely), we talked about our families,
we talked about friends we both knew, we talked about me. We didn’t
talk about us. There is no “us.” There was just two old friends
sitting on the porch steps catching up. It was so good to see him, to
talk to him, to remember how much I respect him, to tell him
face-to-face that I was thrilled for him and Miss PhD. I secretly
held back tears that threatened to spill out from a feeling of honest
joy to see how content and happy he is with his soon-to-be Mrs.
Doctor, PhD.

Internet, knower of all things, is this weird? Is it unhealthy that I
don’t feel like I can talk to Boyfriend about a short, friendly
conversation with a friend who I happened to once-upon-a-time date?
Am I committing some kind of dastardly cheating-esque sin by not
divulging this information to the Boyfriend? Better question, is it
unhealthy that I still think the Doctor is one of the best guys I’ve
ever met? I know he is an amazing guy, he’s just not My Guy. Is it
alright that I still want him to be happy?

Do you have any ex-boyfriends (or girlfriends) that you still stay in
contact with? How does that work? How does that work with your
current significant other? Please help, this is a totally new
position for me and I’m begging for advice.

Tomorrow we’ll be welcoming another anonymous Blogshare participant. This is the third blogshare, organized by -R-, and I hope you’ll enjoy checking out everyone’s “secret posts.” Links below.

I have 350 children coming to a workshop today, and 700 more over the next two days. Forgive me in advance for ignoring everything else in the world until Friday!

Vent Vox
Turn On The Stars
Trudie - Life After AC
Swimming With Sharks
Stefanie Says
Shhh! Librarian-In-Training
Sauntering Soul
Sass Attack
Reflections in the Snow Covered Hills
Red Red Whine
Our Simplicity
One New Duck
Oh My Seven
The Occasional Truth
No Lady
Nancy Pearl Wannabe
Muse On Vacation
Messing With Texas
Melliferous Pants
Lizland
Live Work Dream
Just Below 63
Jonniker
Java Literally
Heidikins
Full of Snark
Face Down
Ex Everything
Everything I Like Causes Cancer
Did I Say That Outloud?
The Daily Tannenbaum
The Coconut Diaries
Citystreams
Catheroominations
Bright Yellow World
Breath Smiles Tears
And You Know What Else
Alyndabear
3 Carnations

I think it may have worked. We’ll see…

Per Sizzle’s suggestion, I’m putting out an all-call.

On Friday, July 11, 2008 at 5 p.m. Pacific Time, I need your good vibes. Seriously. NEED.

This has nothing to do with my health… at least, not directly. Though, come to think of it, I’m probably unhealthier right now than I have been since I started the blog. And the situation benefiting from the good vibes could change that. So.

As Ms. Sizzle said, there is power in numbers. If your vibes work, I’ll let you know. If not… I’ll eventually let you know.

Thanks, y’all!

This made me cry happy tears. At work. It takes a lot to do happy tears at work.

Be sure to watch the “high quality” version. YouTube doesn’t seem to allow that version to embed, so click the bottom right corner of the embedded image, go to the YouTube link, and then click “high quality” under the video box. I promise, it’s worth the extra effort.

I had this bizarre dream two nights ago. In the dream, the Horse Whisperer was forcing me to marry this random guy. Random Guy was from another country and needed a green card, and the Horse Whisperer offered to let him marry me and live with us for about ten years. In the dream, I told HW that I didn’t want to marry anyone but him, and that I didn’t want to have to wait ten years and survive a divorce to do so. HW said he’d think about it, but the next thing I knew I was all dressed up in a white, long-sleeved wedding dress, and I couldn’t find him to tell him I wasn’t going through with it. Then I woke up.

These are my anxiety dreams, folks. I get stressed about work, etc, and I dream that my boyfriend is making me marry someone else.

Lord.

In other news, I told the Horse Whisperer about the dream and he didn’t freak out. Yup, I used the word “marry” in a sentence with a man, and he didn’t flip out and he should head for the hills. I love my boyfriend.