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A cautionary tale

I often remark on the fact that I am occasionally a social moron. Whenever I do so, the comments are littered with protestations of this fact. “Oh, no,” you assure me, “you seem just LOVELY!”

Blogdom, I love you for your undying support. Let me assure you, however, that I am sometimes – and without warning – transformed into the Awkwardest Person In All The Land.

Many, many months ago, I shared a story of a “catch dot mom” (thanks, Stef) dating disaster over on A Girl and A Boy. Leah and Simon had asked commenters to share their worst dating story, so I shared my best little gem. (I’ve shared it here before, but basically this dude told me that my ass was going to get bigger as soon as I got engaged. He could just tell. Oh, and that I didn’t want to have his babies. And a few other things that were awful, but not as awful as those first two. This was, by the by, our third date. Yes! Winner!!!) After leaving my comment, we exchanged several silly emails about my tale of woe, centered around the theme of booty size.

Segue to a few weekends ago, when I attended Maggie’s Cool-Whip fight. I’d invited several people to come with me, but each had woken up with a different ailment/conflict, and I wound up attending alone. Despite the fact that Maggie and her friends are quite possibly the loveliest group of folks ever, I was feeling a little bit wallflowery. Suddenly, from afar, I spotted Leah, Simon, and Wombat! I bounced on over and announced, “Hi! We’ve emailed before! I’m Abby! It’s nice to meet you!”

Well… except that I was already amped up and feeling a little out of my element, so I kind of shrieked it in their general direction. Because… you know. That’s the best way to make friends.

They looked a little bit startled, which I can only imagine had something to do with the fact that they were being shouted at by a cool-whip-toting stranger. They quickly recovered, however, and asked what we’d emailed about.

And this is where I became an absolute nitwit.

“Erm… ah… um… we just… I… yeah.”

I think it went something like that.

Friends, I had no idea how to say to these lovely people that we had, on several occasions, emailed one another about the size of my posterior. HOW DOES ONE SAY THAT OUT LOUD? And so? I said almost nothing. And then? I STOOD THERE LOOKING AROUND AWKWARDLY. FOR PROBABLY FIVE MINUTES. STILL CARRYING MY COOL-WHIP.


I share this tale today for two reasons. The first is that Simon emailed me yesterday, very kindly noting that he had unearthed our previous email discussion, and he understood why I suddenly morphed into the creepiest and weirdest person OF ALL TIME (my words, not his) when asked a simple question. The second is that I am scheduled to finally meet the wonderful and glorious Ms. Sizzle in mere days. Sizz, just… forgive me in advance.

As for the rest of you, consider yourselves warned. You never know when I might see you in a crowd and come scream a greeting at you before transforming into a silent and staring buffoon.

Leah and Simon, forgive me. It really was divine meeting you. Despite… you know… the Awkward.

{ 11 comments… add one }
  • Courtney October 1, 2009 at 9:24 am

    I do insanely awkward things sometimes too. It’s like I leave my own body and can no longer control the craziness that spews out of my mouth. And then later, I’m all, “I said WHAT?”

    So you’re not alone, Abbersnail. 🙂

  • Joe Bob October 1, 2009 at 9:52 am


    I never knew you to be awkward. You are, in fact, one of the most graceful and friendly people I know. Maybe I did not notice the awkward because I am very awkward myself. Trust me Abbersnail, it has gotten worse!! At least you talk to people at parties!! If I do go, I won’t talk!!

    I echo Courtney’s sentiment, so take heart…you are not alone!

  • Leah October 1, 2009 at 12:41 pm

    Totally not awkward at all. I find that when I get nervous or excited, I start talking really fast and trip over my words and end up sounding like I just learned English from an unaccredited mail-order course. This is why all of my friends live inside the computer. 🙂

    (And despite what he says, talking about butts is one of Simon’s favorite things in the entire world. I guarantee he will never forget who you are now!)

  • Sizzle October 1, 2009 at 3:07 pm

    I can’t wait. Sincerely. BRING IT. (And your ass.)

  • NGS October 1, 2009 at 3:08 pm

    I’m almost always way too much of a sharer upon first meeting. “Hi! I’m NGS. Do you want to hear about my first period?” I do this (I think) because I want people to be relaxed and there’s nothing funnier than stories about menstruation to accomplish this. Oh, awkward. That is me.

    So, I just have to say that this makes me want to meet you.

  • Catheroo October 1, 2009 at 3:09 pm

    Well, having met you in person, I can attest to the fact that you are not a social moron. We were even in a public place and you carried yourself wonderfully. And there was alcohol!


    I am like you. I act like a complete dweeb when I see or meet someone I’ve heard about. I have friends who work for the local news station here, and when I meet an on-air personality, I am SO stupid. It’s like my IQ drops by twenty-five points just because I’ve seen these folks in my living room.

    But when you meet Sizz (and I am SO jealous) I think you’ll both be squealing like high schoolers 🙂

  • Catheroo October 1, 2009 at 3:11 pm

    Also, as a girl who also is well-endowed in the booty department, I heart you.

  • Kailyn October 1, 2009 at 3:33 pm

    I have met both you and Sizzle. You are both lovely people — who have some of the most interesting stories. It should be an interesting meeting. And we still so need to go for Burmese one of these days.

  • heidikins October 1, 2009 at 3:59 pm

    Haha, I can soooo relate to this! Love you doll, even if/when you are awkward. :o)


  • nancypearlwannabe October 1, 2009 at 7:20 pm

    Oh my god, I am dying laughing here. I want to have a Cool Whip party just to invite you and have you come screaming in my direction carrying some.

    SERIOUSLY. DYING LAUGHING HERE. You are such a doll.

  • Allie October 7, 2009 at 7:38 am

    I have been known to have serious foot-in-mouth disease. Because of this, I pretty much automatically love everyone who ever says something weird to me. The good thing about it is that it’s kind of a club. A club filled with weird awkward people who totally get the whole weird awkward thing. And no one else is invited. 🙂

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