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The blank page

Here’s what happens:

I open wordpress, sign into my account, and roll my eyes as I run all the required updates. And then I click the plus sign for a new post. A new window opens.

Then I stare at it.

There’s power in a blank page, but there’s also the intimidation of wide open space, the exposure of standing alone in an untouched snowscape.

Just about a year ago, my life changed dramatically. San Diego was never a fit. I tried to love it, then tried to like it, then tried to tolerate it. I still wonder if I should have tried harder. And San Diego was a problem, but it wasn’t The Problem. The knot of everything that wasn’t working began to unravel, until one day it came unwound and there – at its core – was a seed of truth that I’d always feared finding, and always suspected was inside.

I’m not going to tell you who said or did what, but in the end, we divorced. Just after the decision was made, a golden parachute billowed out over my head, and I jumped out of the mess and into a new life in Portland, Oregon. I’m happier than I’ve been in years. I feel like I’m among my people. I’m doing work that feels important. I have a home – a sanctuary – that is all mine and that I love. And though there are always lingering questions, the ones I’m sitting with are finally my own to ask and answer.

It’s a blank page, and it’s powerful. It’s also intimidating, exposing, and filled with the kind of possibility that gives me analysis paralysis.

But it’s my blank page. So is this one. And here we are.

{ 5 comments… add one }
  • Operation pink herring April 7, 2017 at 8:08 pm

    My god, you are a beautiful writer. I’m sorry that this must have been a really trying change, but so glad you’ve come out on the other side in a better place. I love portland. Welcome home.

  • Operation pink herring April 7, 2017 at 8:09 pm

    That made it sound like I live in Portland, which I definitely do not. But when we have visited it just felt like home to me, too. I’m not sure I can ever leave Salt Lake because I’ve become addicted to the mountains, but Portland’s the place that could lure me away.

  • Mary April 8, 2017 at 5:18 pm

    Proud of you. Love you.

  • Feisty Harriet April 10, 2017 at 3:05 pm

    Aaaaaand, I’m sobbing. I am so happy for you; I’ve been in that unraveled clustercuss and the golden outgoing balloon ride is, hands down, the most relieving and euphoric feeling. It doesn’t fix everything, but goodness, it is good for the soul.


  • HK July 18, 2017 at 8:06 am

    I’m sorry this comment is late, you crossed my mind the other day and I navigated to this page for the first time in a long time. I was so happy to see you are still writing here but saddened to know you’ve been going through a difficult time. I’m glad happiness has found you and you are loving your new home in Oregon, that’s the thing about you – you have a bright light inside that shines wherever you go. Sending you love.

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